Pirate Problems

This story is called Pirate Problems, written and read by Ryan Aoto. This is a LibraryCall recording Captain Cross was a feared and dangerous pirate. He was also having a pretty bad week. His ship had been damaged during his last fight. He and his crew were forced to hide out on a deserted island to make repairs. Captain Cross hated deserted islands. Captain Cross hated most things, but of all the things he hated, deserted islands were the things he hated the most. Deserted islands had a lot of sand. Captain Cross hated sand. It got in his boots and made his feet itchy. He hated itchy feet. Somehow, it even managed to get in his hat. His hat was one of the few things he loved. Just the thought of sand in his lovely hat made him mad. Deserted islands also had bugs. Captain Cross hated bugs. Mosquitos were bad. There was one night, where every time Captain Cross was about to fall asleep, a mosquito flew right next to his ear making the loudest buzzing noise imaginable. When he opened his eyes to try and find it, there was only silence. As soon as he closed his eyes, the buzzing was back! The crew had to rush in and pry the flintlock pistol out of his hands. He had been shooting holes in the ship’s walls trying to hit the mosquito. It wasn’t just mosquitos Captain Cross hated, though. It was all bugs. Even butterflies. In fact, he hated butterflies the most. Everyone kept going on and on about how beautiful butterflies were. How amazing it was that they transformed from cute little caterpillars, into delicate chrysalises, and finally, into majestic butterflies. But Captain Cross saw all of that as tricks the butterfly used to cover up the fact that it was just a giant fly. Tricky bugs were the worst kind of bugs. Deserted islands also had plants. Captain Cross did not hate the plants themselves. He hated the color green. Most plants are green, so he hated them by association. Needless to say, after a week stuck on this deserted island, with its sandy beaches, butterflies, and lush green jungles, Captain Cross was in a very bad mood. He had given the crew orders to leave him alone and had gone to sit by himself under a tree. He was a good captain, he knew when to step away. Everyone expects a feared and dangerous pirate to be mean, but Captain Cross knew if he yelled at his crew too much they would quit. And what’s a captain without a crew? Captain Cross found a decent spot to sit and relax. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. He imagined himself in the place he was the happiest. He imagined himself swinging through the air, and landing on an enemy ship with a sword held firmly between his teeth, and fear in his enemy’s eyes. He was only there for a few minutes before his first mate came trudging up to him with a large bucket in his hands. “Um, excuse me Captain,” the first mate said. He had his head down and was kicking softly at the ground under him. “Yes, Mr. Foley,” Captain Cross replied with a sigh. “We were working on the repairs sir, and we’ve run into a problem with this bucket.” “With the bucket,” Captain Cross said slowly. “Yes, sir. There’s a hole in the bucket.” Captain Cross took a deep breath and tried to calm himself before answering. “Why don’t you fix it, Mr. Foley?” he said after a moment. “Yes Captain!” Mr. Foley replied. “Right away, Captain. Um…. What should we fix it with?” Captain Cross closed his eyes and took another breath. “What is the bucket made out of, Mr. Foley?” “Wood, sir.” “Then fix it with wood.” “Yes, Captain! Right away, Captain.” The first mate turned to leave, but stopped. “Um….” “Is there something else?” “How should we get the wood, sir?” “With an ax, you dolt,” Captain Cross snapped. He paused and took yet another deep breath. He tried to imagine himself rocking gently at sea. “I mean, get the ax and get some wood.” He gestured to the trees behind him. “Yes, Captain! Right away, Captain! Um….” “What else?” “Well, the ax is dull, Captain. We’ve actually been using it as a hammer.” “It’s not the only dull thing around here,” the Captain said under his breath. “What, sir?” “Nothing. If the ax is dull, then sharpen it.” “Yes, Captain. Right away, Captain. Um….” “What else,” Captain Cross said, with his fists clenched. “How should we sharpen it, sir?” “How long have you been my first mate, Mr. Foley?” “I don’t know, sir.” “It feels like a long time.” “Yes, sir.” “Remind me why I’ve never had you walk the plank.” “I’m your nephew, sir.” “That’s right.” Captain Cross took another deep breath. “You need to use the whetstone to sharpen the ax.” “A wet stone, captain? Like, from under the sea?” “Not just any stone that is wet. A whetstone is a smallish, very flat, very smooth stone, and it’s great for sharpening blades. And yes, the whetstone does have to actually be wet to work properly.” Mr. Foley blinked a few times in silence. “I don’t follow you, Captain.” “You know that thing we use to sharpen our swords?” “Yes, Captain.” “Where is it?” “Sloppy has it.” “Why isn’t he using it on the ax?” Captain Cross asked in a low voice. “Well, it needs to be wet, sir.” “Yes,” Captain Cross said, in an even lower voice. “And it’s dry, sir.” “Dry?” Captain Cross growled. “Yes, sir. Dry.” “Then wet it!” Captain Cross exploded. “Get some water, and put it on the stone!” “Yes, Captain! Right away, Captain! Um….” “WHAT?!” Captain Cross screamed. “What else?” “We can’t get any water.” “Why not?!” “Well, you see sir…there’s a hole in the bucket, sir.” Captain Cross could not take it any more. No amount of breathing, or imagining a happy place, could help him now. All his anger and frustration came rushing out. He wanted to grab his first mate, and strangle him.But even now, Captain Cross knew he shouldn’t do that. So, instead, he let out his rage in the only other way he knew how. Captain Cross pounded on the ground, and yelled into the dirt. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” He got to his feet and screamed at the sky. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” He turned his back on his first mate and roared at a tree. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Finally, he turned back to his first mate. “Ahem,” he cleared his throat. “Sorry about that.” “Not a problem, sir.” “Our crew isn’t very smart, are they, Mr. Foley?” “Not really, sir. You hired them to be big and mean.” “Aye, and they are good at that,” Captain Cross said, fondly. “Yes, sir.” “Well, let’s go talk to some of those big, mean men, get the whetstone over to the stream, and get that whetstone wet, so we can get that ax sharpened up, and then we can get some wood to fix that bucket, so we can finish repairs, and then we can get off this awful island.” “Yes Captain! Right away Captain” He was a good captain. He knew when to come back. They walked back to where his crew were gathered, on the shore near to where their boat was anchored. His crew saw him coming. They quickly got hard to work, or at least pretended to be hard at work. They might not have been the brightest of men, but they knew better than to be caught slacking off when the Captain was in one of his moods. They weren’t sure if he was in one of his moods at the moment, but he usually was, so it was always better to be on the safe side. “Mr. Foley,” he said. “Yes, Captain?” “The bucket.” “Right away, Captain.” Mr. Foley handed him the bucket. He held it up to his face and looked through the hole in the bottom, as if the bucket were a make believe telescope, and he scanned the crowd. He stopped when he found himself staring at a man who was leaning on an ax. “Ahoy there, Sloppy,” he called out. Then he put down the bucket. The bucket was not really a telescope, and the man was really only a few feet away. The man didn’t look any more or less sloppy than the rest of the crew. That was just his name. “You there,” the captain said again in a normal voice. “Let’s see that whetstone.” “Bone dry, sir.” Sloppy took the whetstone from his pocket and showed the captain. Captain Cross took the stone, and said simply, “Follow me. Bring the ax.” Sloppy followed obediently, and after a short walk across the beach they came to a small stream. Captain Cross pointed to the stream, and then handed the whetstone to Sloppy, and gave him an encouraging smile. Sloppy simply gave him a confused look and did nothing. He wasn’t used to his Captain smiling, and he didn’t know what it meant. The Captain again pointed at the stream, and then he pointed at the whetstone. This time he gave an encouraging frown. Still, Sloppy did nothing. The Captain felt his face getting hot, his fists beginning to clench, and a new wave of screams was coming in fast. But he remembered, just in time, the wise words of Mr Foley. He’d hired Sloppy to be big and mean. And he knew that once Sloppy had a sharp ax, he really was very good at chopping things with it. He pointed to the stream one last time. “It’s water.” Sloppy nodded. “It’s wet.” Sloppy nodded. “You can use it on the whetstone.” Sloppy slowly smiled and nodded. He finally knew what was going on. “I never needed the bucket, did I Captain?” “For the stone? No, but we should fix it up just the same. I want everything in tip top shape before we head back out.” “That’s good thinking, sir. I guess that’s why you’re the captain.” “Aye,” he said. Captain Cross stayed with the crew and helped with the repairs. He hated doing repairs. He hated helping. It’s just that he hated deserted islands more. He also realized that he needed to be with his crew. “And after all," he said, "what’s a crew without their captain.” Working together they finished the repairs quickly. The ship wasn’t pretty, but she was able to sail. The pirates broke down their temporary camp, and loaded up on supplies. “Mr. Foley,” Captain Cross said, when they were ready. “Yes Captain?” “Tell the men to hoist the anchor and set sail.” “Yes, Captain.” Mr. Foley gave the captain’s orders to the crew, and they were on their way. With the deserted island behind them and the open sea in front of them, for the briefest of moments, the crew beheld one of the rarest of sights. Captain Cross: happy.. This has been Pirate Problems, written and read by Ryan Aoto. This has been a Library Call Recording.